


Time Continues

by dracospungen



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Loneliness, M/M, Memories, Moving On, Multi, POV Remus Lupin, Remus Lupin-centric, Self-Hatred, So much death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-24 14:15:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14956197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dracospungen/pseuds/dracospungen
Summary: It is a weird phenomenon, time. It continues, leaving no recognition for the losses one experiences. Losing Sirius Black once should have been more than enough, losing him again is unthinkable. It is a weird thing, how Sirius entered Remus Lupin's life at the same time as Tonks did - yet he have to keep them both at a distance. Remus is not a child anymore, he's too old to believe in promises like"always together".





	Time Continues

**Author's Note:**

> This is a ficlet I wrote for a friend of mine.  
> It's essentially a collection of Remus' thoughts through the years starting at the death of Sirius Black stretching to his own tragic ending. I've tried to stay true to canon through the lot of it and it's solely Remus-centric with less focus on the ships, basically: protect Remus Lupin at all costs, he deserves more than he believes himself (similarly you - all of you but expressly - my friend, do as well). I hope you'll all enjoy this angsty ride and beware of loads of character death, though all canon.  
> I've had no betas reading this through so I apologise for any grammatical errors, mistakes and mishaps, they're all mine and mine alone. If needed stated I do not own any of the characters which are all property of J.K Rowling and the rightly affiliates.  
> Note to friend: I included as much angst as I could muster and yet try to keep it as trigger free as possible (I truly hope I was able to keep it that way), hinting about the ships you like and still keep it mostly to imagination and entirely focused on Remus Lupin - I hope you'll like it! (Possibly a little less about Sirius than I first intended to, but hopefully it's okay anyway - I might write another one-shot about the marauders later as well, if I do I'll be thinking about your preferences and possibly I could write you something else, take care of yourself - you deserve it!)

It seemed that nothing in life was easy, everything was difficult. It’s difficult to remember when it happened, it’s even more difficult to remember what came afterwards.

Loneliness had been his true companion, following him around since the day when everything changed, and the only one that seemed to stay when all else was gone.

Maybe that was why Remus stayed away when Harry needed him the most.

When Sirius was hit by the killing curse and fell through the veil Harry’s godfather died. Remus had had a family, it was a choice to stay away - unlike for Harry, whom only had been given one once Sirius had entered his life, with kind words and warm promises. Sirius had always been a pleasant presence, strong arms and a feeling of _home_ and now, now even he was gone.

Harry’s screams had filled the room, a gut wrenching sound that had Remus thinking his insides might come all out if he was to join in, so he didn’t, he bottled up his initial pain and did the only thing he could think of: he launched himself forwards, taking Harry in his own arms - not as strong as Sirius’, never as strong as Sirius’ - and put them around Harry, enveloping him, in a weak effort at keeping him safe, to let him know that he was not alone, that Remus was there for Harry just like Sirius had been there for Remus, that he understood his grief, the hatred and frustration, the indescribable feeling of getting something taken away, something that was meant to stay, to last.

Remus had thought they would be together forever, he had thought they would always have each other. The marauders: invincible. _Never alone again, always together_.

He had been so very wrong.

So, yes, he knew Harry’s desperation like the insides of his own pockets, the despair evident in his screams, the way he clawed at Remus’ arms and Remus held him as tight as he possibly could, close to his heart, because in that moment there were no voices telling him that he should stay away, that he only made things worse with his presence - all Remus could think of was that he wouldn’t let Harry assume that loneliness was coming for him too, because he wasn’t alone, they weren’t alone.

It was only at Harry’s disbelief that it started to crack and crumble for Remus, his reassuring words breaking in his own ears.

When Harry managed to wrench free from Remus’ grip all he could do was grasp in vain after him. He had felt at complete loss; there was nothing he could do. Remus would never be like Sirius, his arms would never be strong enough.

Remus thought that this time he had managed to stay away from grief the way Harry had slipped from his hands. He had thought that finally he had lost so much that he had gotten immune to it. It all made sense, didn’t it? After all, Remus had already lost Sirius once. Once was more than he should have had to experience, once should have been _more_ than enough.

At first there was nothing, and in a way he was grateful for that. The way his life seemed to carry on when others’ did not: in the way he could still drink tea, eat, somewhat sleep, the way his magic never ceased or that he still knew what was impending every month - even after all this time, everything continued.

Mostly he kept to himself, it was something he knew and it held a certain familiarity to him; the loneliness. When all else failed, that never did and so he locked himself up in Sirius’ house.

Grief crept upon him wordlessly, silently it entered his life in another form than it usually did. Remus had experienced it breaking him apart, leaving him completely shattered to pieces, to that extent that he had feared he might not be able to pull himself back together - though he somehow managed to anyway, again and again, steer it away and let life continue. It was difficult, but less so than it should have been. He used to be frustrated about it, the way time never stopped, the way nothing paused to even acknowledge that the world was somehow less without something so essential as… as they had all been; James (and Lily), Peter and Sirius, and the list only seemed to get longer.

This time though, for a very long time there was only emptiness. Maybe it was the hole Sirius had already dug deep within him after having been incarcerated, maybe this was what happened to people who had lost more than they should have needed to - but then grief hit him with a newly found force, and by some reason he couldn’t keep the pain locked inside himself like he had with so much else any longer. He blamed it on the house, whose walls had once kept the Black family safe - a family which Sirius had resented and rebelled against through his entire youth - wanting to believe that somehow this was their spirits’ revenge against him, turning instead against Remus this time - but he knew better than that, instead it was all due to something so profoundly ordinary that it left him deeply unsettled.

Losing Sirius once was more than Remus had thought he could have survived, and the way he had lost him: for years believing the presumed accusations that held Sirius imprisoned at Azkaban for a crime worse than any Remus could even imagine (the marauders, had they only been a lie? A comfortable work of fiction that meant nothing in the end? And what had happened at the end: it had turned, once again, friends turning against friends. What was a _friend_ even? Had he ever known? _Never alone again, always together_ \- perhaps it wasn’t a lie, but it was a line spoken by a kid, a naive child).

For a time Sirius had come back, only to be away again, on the run, “ _always together_ ” was long over -  but then he had come back, finally, after about a year in hiding and he was back and alive, and as much his _friend_ as he had ever been. Remus had feared it would have turned awkward at first, but it never had, they had taken up where they last took off, as if nothing had happened, as if no years had past since they had last been an _us_ \- an _always together_. There had been long evenings of contemplation and tales, but mostly laughter - Sirius didn’t really like to talk about his struggles and Remus preferred to be quiet about his, so they went back to the jokes and memories. There had been so much potential time that could have been spent with Sirius seeing he was almost _always_ at home, him not being able to leave all that much - not with the constant threat of authorities tracking him down. Much to Sirius’ dismay he had been restricted to idleness, and maybe that was also why Remus had kept away - it was too late for an _always together_ after all, too much had happened and continued to happen; Tonks, for one.

It wouldn’t be so surprising to Remus if there was yet another reason to why he now kept himself locked up in Sirius’ rooms again, the conflict of an _always together_ and the _difficult_ feelings that had started to blossom for Tonks. She had entered his life in a time when Sirius had as well - for the second time. No one should enter his life, it wasn’t right. Loneliness was his only companion after all, and one of the few constants in his life together with the full moon forcing out the monstrous side of him. Two humans too good for the likes of him, so instead he had turned to the war, accepting the more dangerous missions others cowarded to take on. He could deal with being alone, he always had, and using it to his advantage this time, standing up for and fighting for a cause made it all seem reasonable.

Sitting with a cup of tea warming the palms of his hands Remus wondered if anything would ever be able to soothe him again when not even tea or chocolate could. In the evenings the tears were uncontainable, the sheer pain impossible to keep at bay. He couldn’t remember how he had ever been able to move on before, it seemed absurd to think it possible this time around. It was as if he was back in the 80s when the new invention of Wolfsbane Potion had started but without any hope to afford it he would have to sustain the anguish on his own; it was the living, very real nightmares of the Shrieking Shack all over again: pained screams impossible to calm. Remus felt it like a familiar ache, like a recurring migraine that had him wanting to tear the skin off his body, the hair from his head, to bite and claw and destroy - but what good would it do? Nothing could change any of it. Sirius was gone, they were all gone - all, except for him, of course.

He still remembered it vividly, that time when they had all come to him, asked him about it. Until second year Remus had managed to keep the repulsive secret hidden, he hadn’t managed it very long - but he had been surprised that the knowledge had not made them more distant towards each other but rather pulled them even more closely together, their friendship stronger than ever before.

Remus had pushed the palms of his hands hard against the sockets, feeling the roundness of his eyes within with another shock of pain. His body still shaking as he had listened to his friends explain that they knew what was _actually_ going on, that the house wasn’t haunted, whose voice the screams actually belonged to, and it was all too much, and Remus was afraid, so very afraid, more afraid than he remembered ever being before. He couldn’t afford losing them, and not just considering his dirty secret might get out to the whole school and he would most certainly put the Headmaster at danger (and Professor Dumbledore had already done way more for him than Remus deserved), but mostly because they were his _friends_ and they were the first and best friends Remus had had. He couldn’t lose them and risk having to stand face to face with loneliness once again. The thought alone made him weak in his legs, his throat thick and dry and the prickling behind his eyelids prominent and difficult to ignore. The thoughts continued to echo through his head like an enchanted ball bouncing off the walls in a very small room, not getting anywhere, and impossibly only gaining momentum with each push, getting stronger and faster, any effort to still it being completely and utterly futile.

 _I can’t be alone again, I can’t be alone again, I can’t be alone again, I can’t be alone again_.

It seemed as if it had no stop to it, the thoughts looping around over and over, but suddenly strong but oddly gentle hands were grasping at his shoulders and Remus looked up and into a pair of dark eyes staring back into his.

Remus closed his mouth as shame was pouring over him. He hadn’t realised he had said that very sentence aloud, and he didn’t know how many times he might have repeated it just like in his own head. It was one of those things he kept to himself, one of those things no one was meant to know. Those pathetic rantings, it wasn’t meant for anyone - not even for James or Peter, not even for Sirius whose eyes were spelling out the word _concern_ all over his face.

“I’m-” Remus begun, wanting to finish with: _I’m so sorry_ and whatever might have come after, but instead Sirius’ hands softened and his own that Remus had used to push against his face fell dully down his lap instead.

“Never alone again, always together,” Sirius said, his voice as strong and gentle as his hands.

James smiled beside him, putting a hand on Remus’ shoulder as well and the little boy behind him smiled too.

“Always together,” James said and Peter tuned in quickly after.

 _Never alone again, always together_.

For a moment Remus had believed it - he didn’t anymore.

If Remus was honest with himself, that might have been the first time he had looked into Sirius’ eyes and believed he saw something else. Something _more_ \- whatever it was.

It hadn’t gotten any better, some moments would last longer, a brush of hands, a faint touch against the small of his back…

He could never admit his requited love for Tonks - not with these confusing feelings roaming his mind - not with the knowledge that nothing lasts, not considering his poverty, his _condition_ \- it was unthinkable.

Still _she_ continued to try to seek him out, knocking on Sirius’ bedroom door. Where her stubborn words - strong like Sirius’ - had been were instead soft spoken ones, fading to quiet ones and eventually the knocking disappeared as well, leaving him, finally, alone.

Remus lift the cup to his lips, sipping at the tea only to realise it had gone cold. He put the cup back at the table beside him, uncrossing his legs to stand up. Not bothering to walk all the way to the kitchen Remus left the cup, slipping inside the walls of Sirius’ old bedroom instead. If the house-elf wouldn’t deal with it, he could spell it clean in the morning, just like he could with his teeth and bladder - not finding it in him to move anywhere but towards the bed where he made himself as small as possible, clutching at his middle in an effort to stifle the violent sobs that took over his body each night. It wasn’t healthy, staying in Sirius’ bedroom, and it certainly wasn’t appropriate, not considering they had all soon learned that the property had been passed on to Harry in Sirius’ will at the end of the summer, and that was when his muted grief had been replaced by uncontrollable crying, the tears streaming down his face more often than the water came pouring down over his head. He knew he should have left the moment he had heard about it, and yet he couldn’t make himself - maybe he was waiting for the house to forcible kick him out instead, knowing that this wasn’t where he belonged, because maybe it would have been easier that way, being reminded that he wasn’t welcome, that this wasn’t his place, and yet here he was, still, in Sirius’ bed crying himself to sleep months after it had happened. It was stupid, Remus hadn’t cried like this when James had died, not when Peter had (falsely presumed) died, not when Sirius had been taken and he had thought the worst of his closest friend. Sirius hadn’t trusted him either back in the days, but that was forgivable, it was different, but Remus had believed Sirius capable of such horrible things, extreme terrors. Remus could never forgive himself for that, it was unforgivable much like the curse that had ended Sirius.

It was different at 12 Grimmauld Place, more so than about any other place he had stayed at. Intimately surrounded by Muggles considering its location, yet still able through the Fidelius Charm to keep a sort of privacy and secrecy that applied Remus with the loneliness that so often sought him out anyway. The place was grand, enormous, with too many rooms for Remus’ usual preferences having stayed so often in smaller rather enclosed areas - but this time it felt convenient enough, with that many rooms he wouldn’t bother anyone. He could come and go through them much like a ghost, only leaving in search for a scrap of food whenever he remembered.

The tears finally stopped and for a few hours Remus was taken by a fitful sleep, dreaming of a much younger Sirius from a time that seemed a lifetime away, and yet felt just like yesterday, and eventually waking up screaming to Sirius falling through the ragged veil once again.

No one demanded anything of him, no one had seemed to notice his mourning, almost sulking through the house and Remus wasn’t sure if it was his general appearance of not wanting the attention or his Quietening Charms that kept them all away.

It was still in the middle of the night when Remus decided to stop his wasted attempts at a long night’s sleep for the time being and walked up from the bed, placing himself below the window to look up at the night sky. A forgotten cup still filled with a liquid Remus was quite sure was tea stood beside him. Another forgotten cup.

The autumn made the sky dark and he should have been able to see the stars if not for the heavy clouds hovering above the city. Remus wondered if he would have been able to point out Sirius on the sky if it had been a clearer night. Why hadn’t he done so already? Had he been so occupied with his own grief that the thought hadn’t even occurred to him before? That in a way, he could see him again?

Remus swallowed, although even that seemed like a wasted attempt, his throat instead feeling extremely thick and dry, as if the crying really had drained him completely, of everything.

Why were there clouds upon the sky tonight? He really had to see Sirius, somehow it seemed important, as if his life depended on it - months after he was gone and Remus had never thought of finding Sirius. It shouldn’t have taken this long.

It was the first time he Apparated from Grimmauld Place since he had first stepped inside after, well, after-

It’s weird, it shouldn’t be _this_ difficult, after all, he had already told Harry that Sirius was _gone_ and yet he couldn’t bring himself to actually say it. To voice it to himself, that he is not only gone this time but-

The wind ruffled his hair, probably making it even more of a disarray than it usually were, adding to his shabby look - but Remus had stopped caring long ago, if he ever had. This look suited him well, looking older than his 36 years with premature lines and greys at his temples and scattered in silvery strands all over his head, the patched clothing - it had begun as a necessity, not being able to afford anything new to replace it with, at the start he had been able to fix the holes and the wears with simple magic, putting it back so that it looked new, but eventually he had had mend the threads so many times that even magic couldn’t repair it to its former glory and at last he had surrendered to patching up the tears with threads and squared shaped fabrics instead. Some might say he looked unclean, possibly even ugly - and somehow that knowledge made him feel safer, more comfortable. It was what he deserved, after all. Unworthy of anything better.

Remus looked up at the sky, releasing a breath in a huff that created a thin smoke of moist warmth in the early autumn night, making his own beating heart evident, as much alive as ever before, no matter how broken he felt - he clearly wasn’t, his heart still going strong when he couldn’t, as if proving a point. He should have moved on, not letting _it_ affect him as much as it did. He had been able to move on before, he always had.

The lake stretched out before him, showing him miles upon miles of what seemed to the eye like a reflecting glass, the sky double its usual size both above and below, mirroring itself on the surface of the water’s ripples.

A buzzing inside his head, on the thin line between dizziness and nausea lingered over him, almost making him regret his choice of Apparition. Remus knew he shouldn’t have been so sentimental, but his mind had seemed to work almost out of own accord and without consideration he had found himself on a yellow patch crowded by what had once been tall grass facing an impressive castle. One simply did not Apparate through such long distances, but here he was, very much alive after having jumped from the centre of Muggle London to Scotland’s Highlands; a reminder of another time.

It seemed almost like another lifetime, being introduced to James, Peter and Sirius all those many years ago. They had entered his life with promises, promises that would disappear with them. _Never alone again, always together_. For a while it had truly been like that, but everything was brittle and fragile, nothing lasted. In the end their friendship hadn’t been strong enough, there had always been other forces stronger than them - even stronger than Sirius’ arms, stronger than them all.

Remus took a deep breath, the sudden rush of intrusion of cool air pained his lungs.

If nothing could last, the only thing that mattered was him choosing to spend his time right, and this definitely wasn’t it. He had to go out there again, the rest of the world didn’t wait, they didn’t pause nor felt sorry for his loss, the war was still happening out there, and Remus spent it wasting away in Sirius’ bedroom. He could do better than that. He would do better than that.

Remus left again, with a swirling of wind and the pushing sensations that came with Apparition. He had left before he had even tried to find Sirius on the night sky.

It made it easier that way, telling himself that it had more to do with everything continuing when he refused to than with Sirius’ empty rooms and Tonks’ silence.

Remus could deal with loneliness, so he choose the more dangerous missions once again, hoping that if he too was to disappear, at least it would have been for a good cause.

Time continued, the days went past and Remus survived yet another troubling task, leaving with the victory of his own life, impossibly still somewhat intact when others, more worthy of one, wasn’t.

Sometimes when the quests were especially difficult, being surrounded by others suffering the very same condition he did, Remus would search for loneliness much like it always had sought him, not knowing what else there was for him; he couldn’t befriend any of _them_ (in a way they were a safer bet than anyone else, but even they seemed somehow _better, purer,_ more _worthy_ than he was). He would walk out into the water, letting it lap at his knees, stretching his toes underneath the surface of the lake to feel the pebbles, hard and round under the soles of his feet. He would stand there, his head tilted slightly up towards the sky, searching for the brightest star he could find - but none seemed to shine bright enough.

It was weird, spending time with creatures like him, the feeling of pushing through the air as they would roam the woods together, sensations heightened and only half-conscious of his decisions. It was weird, trying to gain their trust to have them fight for his side - it was _difficult_ when all it did was reminding him of a time when he had not been running with his ‘own kind’ but with three other animals. They had been inseparable, and in a way, he had felt a much deeper, much more profound connection to those three than he believed he could ever do with the _ones like him_ \- even though they had been different, they had been the pack he had needed: his pack, there for him even though he didn’t deserve it.

Remus still couldn’t believe it sometimes, what those three had put themselves through for _him_.

“Why would you?” a much younger Remus had asked.

“Why wouldn’t we?” James had countered.

“I’m… I’m not worthy.”

“Worthy? What’s this nonsense, Moony? It’s not about whether you’re worthy or not.”

“What is it then?” Remus asked, eyes fixed somewhere on the ground, not daring to look James in the eyes, too afraid of what he might - or might not find there.

“Don’t be daft, we’re friends. It’s what friends do. Merlin, do you think we would allow you to kick your own arse? We better be there to do it for you, see to that you’ll do it properly.”

Remus swallowed hard, fighting the tremble that threatened to take hold of his body. He knew what James meant, it was his way of saying that they wouldn’t let Remus face it all alone - and hearing that made it difficult to swallow.

A hand clasped around his arm and Remus almost winced, looking up to see a face smiling back at him. Lovely dark eyes and matching hair. Sirius.

“Never alone again, always together,” the other boy said and his dark eyes glittered.

“Always together,” James echoed and Remus had smiled.

The water were like cold hands around his feet and ankles and Remus sighed, giving up his search for the star for yet another night, retreating to the woods once again to continue playing his part in the war to come.

Living this closely with people - or perhaps _beings, creatures_ with lycanthropy, and seeing the way it did and had affected them (not just him) through all of their lives was difficult, but it made it easier to stay away from Tonks. The ugly truth staring him blatantly in the eyes every hour, a constant reminder of exactly _why_ he couldn’t be weak in his choice. He had to be strong in his decision: he couldn’t start a life with Tonks. The risk of him passing on his unfortunate, disgusting condition to his child - the very thought was unbearable, and even so that wasn’t all: there was a war going on, and the worst was still yet to come. What kind of life would that be? To grow up in? Live in? The neverending fear of losing the ones that mattered the most? Was that even a way of living at all? No, in the end it wasn’t really a decision at all, because there was nothing to decide about. It just couldn’t happen, it just couldn’t.

It was difficult, knowing what finally changed his mind, made him decide for the very thing he thought he would never give in to - but Remus was never as strong as Sirius. Eventually he had made the nonexistent decision and he was standing in front of Tonks anyway. Well, he knew it was because she was strong as well, just like Sirius had been, Tonks was stronger than the lot of them. She didn’t give up when others did - evidently, she didn’t take _no_ for an answer and he was, finally, persuaded. Perhaps it truly was only due to it being war. Remus knew he could die any day now, and so could Tonks. Albus Dumbledore who had sacrificed so much for him had done the last sacrifice in his life. Remus could only pray they wouldn’t lose the battle like they kept losing amazing, kind, great and irreplaceable people.

Upon making up his mind he had finally said it aloud to himself.

“He’s dead,” Remus had said towards the sky upon which he had been looking up towards once again, “he’s dead, and she isn’t.”

The dark tones of Tonks hair was a vague reminder of a boy he had once known and loved. Remus had loved them all, even Peter, he was just a boy like he had been, arms less strong than Sirius’, yet Remus would never even dream of betraying his friends like Peter had done. He had had a tough time forgiving him, if he ever could (Harry was different, so much like his mother, a kindness that never failed) but Remus remembered the small boy vividly. In a way he looked what Remus felt inside himself, short and scrawny; unsure and wavering. It was why they too had done awful things, Remus regret it fiercely but the past was the past and it was one he couldn’t change, but he could learn from it. He used it to get stronger, stand for his beliefs and fight harder.

It was an odd thing, committing to a family he had never believed he would ever have, and realising that he had had one before, one which had been taken away from him and he suddenly felt it like a Bludger to the stomach just how much he had missed it. Playing a role and having a place in this world, one that was important; as a husband, a friend, even a father.

It was difficult, knowing that he might have done the very thing he had promised himself to never do. A child did not exist in his world - it couldn’t. There was much too big of a risk - and knowingly push a child into this world who he knew could very well get just as acquaintanced with loneliness as he had, that was simply out of the question. He wouldn’t wish that upon his worst enemy, he couldn’t do that to _his own_ child.

But there he was, standing in front of Harry Potter, with eyes as bright as his mother’s, and Remus couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Harry didn’t understand, he might understand loneliness but he could never _know_ what it was like to live with the condition he had to. He didn’t know the pain, the shame that he had to endure every single day. Harry didn’t know, how could he? It wasn’t his fault that he didn’t understand, he was just lucky, better off than Remus.

“What would you think of me?” Remus said out loud to the navy blue sky above him when alone, once again failing to find the brightest star among them.

He would do better than this, he had to.

Though it didn’t take long for Remus to realise his mistake, once again he had been too caught up in his own feelings, trapped inside that nest of thoughts that were constantly haunting him, cornering him inside his own mental walls and made him afraid of himself, that he hadn’t been able to think clearly. Of course Harry had been right, somehow he so often were even though he was merely a child himself, he had truly gotten the best from his parents, and hopefully, Remus’ child would too.

He named Harry his child’s godfather in the hopes that either of them would never have to experience loneliness again.

Edward Remus Lupin was born, Teddy for short, and Remus cried. He had cried because he had what he knew a man like him could never wish for, could never dream of. He had it all, there, right in front of him, real, alive, well and breathing, breathing in and out and in and out. He had all of which he didn’t deserve, all of what he wasn’t worthy of.

“Why Remus?” Remus had asked perplexed about the choice of middle name and Tonks had smiled in return.

“Because being the child of Remus Lupin is the most fortunate you can be.”

“Remus Lupin is the luckiest man alive,” and Remus had hugged _his wife_ and _his son_ and _his family_.

It was difficult, going into war and knowing that it was unlikely they would make it out alive. It was difficult knowing he was the last to leave, that Peter had already done so, having pledged his life in the hands of the wrong man, and wasn’t it ironic that apparently he had died at his very own hand. Remus liked to think it was because somewhere he was still the boy he had known, still the unsure kid in as much need of friends as Remus had been, as they had all been.

The last time Remus saw Tonks he had hugged her, pressed her hard against his chest, close enough to feel her heartbeat and for her to feel his. It was beating for her, for their child, for their lives.

“You have given me the life I could never hope of living,” Remus said into her hair, “I was so, so alone, for so long…”

“You’ll never be alone again,” Tonks said.

Remus pressed his lips against hers, too afraid to use the marauders’ words as a reply.

The fight against Antonin Dolohov during the Battle of Hogwarts was difficult, and possibly it should have been due to the fact that Remus was tired, actually tired to his very bones by the constant upholding of protective and concealment charms he kept up over Tonks and Teddy (although against Tonks own opinion on the matter, having gone through Auror training and being a professional Auror she had ‘ _excelled in concealment charms_ ’ and Remus didn’t doubt it, he just couldn’t bear the thought of them dying and him not even having tried his best, he couldn’t risk that, not when he finally had what he was never meant to have), but possibly because Dolohov‘s hair was so so dark, his skin so very pale, and wasn’t that the very imagine of the two people who had slid themselves into Remus’ heart?

It came quickly, one miss and Remus thought _is that all it takes_ before he felt himself fall. One miss, one blast and it was all over. He thought of Tonks, of Teddy and how he didn’t even know where she was or if she was still alive, how it would be for Teddy to grow up without his father, and maybe Remus had, once again, been too caught up in himself, his own mental wars.

 _Never alone again, always together_.

He always meant it, he truly did, but nothing lasts, and loneliness doesn’t differentiate between the worthy and unworthy.

He looked up towards the sky as his body lowered itself towards the ground, his conscience fading, and saw a star shining back at him brighter than any he had ever seen before.

Never alone again, always together.

Somehow time continues, when you don’t.

**Author's Note:**

> In the end he learned not to be his own worst enemy, in the end, he dared reach out towards happiness, leaving loneliness and a self-hatred that restricted his life and choices behind. In the end, Remus Lupin died happy.


End file.
